How do you handle the stress ?

[rexalldexall]

How do you handle the stress of a fulltime job and  raising children on the spectrum?   I have two children on the spectrum,  one diagnosed as pdd-nos and my other child as autistic.  I work long hours at my job and when I get home I am extremely tired.   At present, our children are on a special rotational diet and we are waiting for the results of some biomedical tests through a DAN doctor.  We have seen some exciting improvements just on the diet alone but it is a lot of work.   My dilemma is that I feel much guilt  that I am at work so often and not participating in a lot of the therapies.  My wife handles  as much as she can but we are spread so thin.  I feel like I am limiting my children's futures because we just do not have the time to do more.  Because of my quilt and just being tired all the time, my performance at work suffers.  If anybody has suggestions on how you have handled this or have balanced your time, I would be grateful.
Thanks  Steve

[Admin]

Rexall;

Great question!

As a father of 4 (2 on the spectrum), I can TOTALLY empathize with what you are saying. Here's the only advice that I can add...

#1) There is no way as a dad to be everywhere at once.. (true for a Mom too!). No healthy relationship involves guilt. Feeling bad about what you cannot do only slows you down. And stresses you out.

#2) It releives stress to know that you are not alone. Trust me. You are NOT alone.

#3) To be successful, you and your wife will need to trust each other IMPLICITLY. I don't get to go to many therapies with my kids (or not as many as I'd like...) BUT, I trust my wife to handle much of that. Our relationship has become much more interdependant. We have to be independant of and yet dependant on each other --simultaneously.

#4) Catch de stressing opportunities as you can...one day off from work can help you deal with BOTH home and work better.

Much more to say on this. Too little time!

Best;

Eric

[Jen]

Steve,
I've taken a few days to reread and think about what you wrote. I'm glad Eric said the things he did- especially about guilt. One thought kept jumping out at me and I hope I can do it justice writing here. It also involves guilt...
Years ago, after our boys were first diagnosed, I attended a wonderful conference directed at AS/HFA.  One of the speaker's was rather insistant about a certain approach/intervention- one that took an intense amount of effort on the part of the parents and family. (I do not name it here as my intention is not to comment on the particular intervention, but on the 'big picture') A rather overwhelmed mom raised her hand and asked if doing that intervention to a lesser degree might have some positive effects, as she didnt know how she would be able to pull off the rigidness of the 'full intervention.' The speaker looked down from the podium and basically told her that if she truly cared about her child, she would do all she could- inferring the entire intervention.  The mom was crushed.  Why do I bring that up here? It was a life changing moment for me. I will do all in my power to help my children- all of my children- become all that they are meant to be in this life, but I will not guilt myself if I do not pursue every therapy there is, driving myself crazy w/ "Is there more I could be doing?"
Take some time to take your wife away from all the stress as well- you both deserve it!
Jen

[rexalldexall]

Eric and Jen,
     Thanks for  the advice and tips. They are very helpful.   When my son was diagnosed with Autism , I  did not know a thing about it.  So I dove head first into everything I could read and what happened was that I got information overload.  There are so many treatments available that I felt we needed to  do everything.  Then after my wife  and I attended the Asa conference, we learned that every child is different and what works on one child may not work on another.  That was somewhat of a relief.  The other thing I realized is that autism is a life long journey and things do not have to be done all at once.   All my wife and I want is that our children reach their full potential whatever that may be.  Hopefully they will be fully functioning independent adults when we are no longer able to help.  I read a quote somewhere recently.  Happiness is a journey,  not a destination.  I thought about that for awhile and I decided that I am going to have fun  and be happy with my family as we travel down the road of autism treatments.

Thanks for your help,
Steve

[Admin]

Steve;

Those are great insights and I totally concur. Hope you are having fun (I know I am...). No other way to go!

Best;

Eric