Best Intervention: Develop Parenting Skills and Building Community of Support

[Kristi Sakai]

When our oldest of three children on the spectrum was diagnosed I sought out every possible intervention I could lay my hands on...and went nearly broke in the process. A year and a half and $17,000 later my son still had autism--go figure! I've taken a different approach since then. While I have found worthwhile therapies such as occupational therapy to address our children's fine motor, gross motor and sensory needs, among others, and behavior therapy strategies developed with a psychologist, I also learned that the best interventions didn't lie in the hands of professionals.  I learned that "I" am the best expert on my child. And that I can also learn the skills to teach them how to meet many of their own needs. I read books, attended parenting groups, made friends and compared notes and learned the skills necessary to parent my unique kids.

I believe we are much better served as families by educating ourselves and by developing a community of others (parents and professionals) who can help us hone our parenting skills. That is not to say the responsibility is entirely on our shoulders, but who knows your child best and who is most vested in the long-term well being of your child but you? You are an expert and your skills as a parent will have the most impact on his present and future.

Read books and newsletters about parenting kids with autism, try things out and see what works for your family. Attend a support group and listen to the wise voices of experienced parents who have gone before us, and the voices of others who are new to the autism community who have a fresh perspective. Build relationships with professionals who really care about your child and will hang in there with you for the long haul. Cut yourself a break for not being able to do everything perfectly and remember it's a learning process. You can only gain knowledge and skills with time and practice. 

 Kristi Sakai

[Admin]

Amen!

Sometimes the best approach is in "obstacle removal" rather than "fix" or "change". Good seeing you at ASA.  I wanted to attend your Saturday morning presentation, but Jen said "NO!" (GRIN) Actually, she said you'd be nervous! Have a safe trip back to Oregon!

Eric

[Kristi Sakai]

The presentation Eric is referring to was my autism and sexuality presentation or "The Hidden Curriculum of Sex", so it's hardly a surprise that I might be uncomfortable with one of my best friend's husband in the audience  Good call, Jen! It was bad enough that our psychiatrist, Jake, snuck in. Thankfully she didn't go Freudian on me later and ask why I discussed this or that topic! LOL Jake was there presenting on medications and I liked to tell people I brought her a long "just in case" and let them wonder why I might need emergency psychiatric care. I think the intrigue factor might have even been better if I started barking or something or if I'd said ominiously when she was around, "You DID bring the tranquilizer dart for me, didn't you?" I kid, but boy oh boy is she a wonderful doctor.

For those of you who are interested in the autism and sexuality topic and aren't yet aware of the surveys I have up on my website (www.kristisakai.net) there are two: one for parents of children/adolescents/adults with autism and the other for individuals with autism themselves. The purpose of these surveys is to gather more information for two books geared to meet the specific needs of adolescents and their families.

And by the way--the OTHER best parenting tool to develop when you're the parent of at least one child with autism (I have three) is to sharpen your SENSE OF HUMOR. We have to laugh or cry. Some days I do both! But I prefer to laugh. Hope you do too! kristi

[Admin]

I agree TOTALLY with that!

Sharpening your sense of humor TOTALLY helps to handle life's situations!

Very good advice indeed.

Eric

[PattiS]

I think what i"ve found the hardest is finding the help needed. The dr can only do so much and we're reading all the stuff we can find and sharing as much as possible with his private school who doesn't know much. I"m the one looking for support anywhere I can find it because I feel like we're drifting not sure if what we're doing is right and there is no one around who has been through it to give us a leg up. My Sister-in-law has a severe autistic child but our son is mildly AS a big difference so she can't help us too much. I beat myself up a lot when something isn't well and I'm the first to blame myself (no one else does).  My husband is very supportive and is trying also. Ever feel like this?

[Jen]

Patti,
What you wrote had some familiar points for me. Our kids are not in private school, but I've heard it can be a harder road to get services there- just a general observation from stories of others...I'm sure someone has had good luck somewhere. You are very right that parenting a child w/ AS or with 'less severe' ( I never know what's the right way to describe it- nothing that effects our kids can be termed 'mild' when it comes to parenting!) While you can't understand your sister in law's world, you are right, she can't understand yours.You can do your best to support each other, but it really is a different challenge. Unconditional love is probably the best gift you can give each other- and while I'm on my soapbox anyway, loving yourself is a big one. There is no blame to take on w/ these kids- its hard enough to be a parent- add the challenges our kids face and it can drive you around the bend. They are different challenges, very hard for others to understand. When we speak at conferences etc... my husband and I talk about trying to be 'obstacle removers' for our children. That was how we approached parenting before the diagnoses,  and it became more valuable to us as we've made our way along this path. While we can't remove all the obstacles, we try to help them find ways around or over whatever is in the way.  The most important ingredient is taking care of ourselves and our relationship- so we have the strength to meet each day. I'm so glad your husband is supportive- that puts you ahead of many- Eric talks about how long it took him to 'get on board' and his regrets about time he 'lost' with our kids while he was in denial (all his words). Make sure you tweo communicate. We are trying to get a list of books uploaded soon to help- but there are some good ones listed under book reviews on this forum. Keep posting- sharing feelings keeps them from bottling up inside.  I have some friends on here that are well versed in getting services in different areas- if you let us know whaere you are (privately if you wish), we might be able to help.
Keep in touch!
Jen